Some Like It Hot Sauce

Let’s not beat around the jalapeno bush here: I am addicted to hot sauce. I – quite literally – put that sh*t on everything. Salads, soups, burgers, burritos: You name a food that isn’t ice cream and I’ve probably hosed it with hot sauce and shoved it in my face.

There’s some actual science behind this madness. When you burn your tastes buds with hot sauce, your body perceives it as pain and releases endorphins to counteract that pain. Those endorphins create a sense of euphoria and you essentially start getting high off hot sauce. Keeping that high requires just one thing: more hot sauce.

I’ve now reached the point where buying hot sauce off the shelf doesn’t do it for me. There’s too much food coloring. Too much mild. Not enough scalding insanity. So, this past weekend, I decided to pull a Breaking Bad. I bought a trailer, drove off into the desert, started cooking, and – in my opinion – ended up with a superior product.

How to Make Homemade Hot Sauce

Step 1: Roast a bunch of  hot peppers (I used habaneros), onions, garlic, and bell peppers in the oven for a while.

Step 2: Put all that roasted goodness in a food processor and add some lime juice, apple cider vinegar, shredded carrots, and whatever else you want.

Step 3: Vzzzzzzzzzzsssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Step 4: Put it in a bottle and give it a funny name. (I went with Erik’s Homemade Bumhole-Burning Habanero Hot Sauce.)

Happy hot-saucing.

Office Experiment: Cookie Monster Receptionist

About a month ago I had an idea.

A stupid idea.

It was a wonderful, stupid idea.

Strolling into my company’s brand-spanking-new world headquarters early one Monday morning, something stuck out to me. It stuck out like a gun control advocate at a Ted Nugent concert. Or like Ted Nugent at a Mensa meeting.

Ya see, our new office has this massive reception desk. HUGE. As soon as you step off the elevator, there it is. Large, round, and – initially – unmanned. And while our company is growing (and actively hiring), having a dedicated receptionist is still a ways away.

So, like any good employee would do, I went into our office’s storage room and rummaged through the costume box (your office doesn’t have a costume box? What?!?) until I found Cookie Monster.

Cookie Monster has now been sitting behind the reception desk for about a month, flipping through an old issue of Sports Illustrated. He doesn’t say much, though. And he rarely answers the phone. Still, if you’re looking for a receptionist, I highly recommend Mr. Monster. He’s the first one here each morning and the last one to leave each night – no exceptions. Now THAT is dedication.